Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
