Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
