I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
