The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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