You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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