THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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