dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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