The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
