so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
