I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
