An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
