I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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