he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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