They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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