hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
