Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
