In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
