You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
