I think I won the penis lottery.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
