and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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