Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
