I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize