A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
