You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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