ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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