I wish my penis had an off switch
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
