So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
