Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
