Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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