Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
