My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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