phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
