remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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