haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
