mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
