My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
