take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize