She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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