he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
