Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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