i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
