i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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