It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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