ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
