how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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