Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I could fuck to npr.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
