she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
