you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
