that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
