You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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