someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
