Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
did i just pee glitter
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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