is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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