1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
