I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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