Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
