Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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