It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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