There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
