i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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