Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
