You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
