I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Drake has all the answers
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
