Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
