Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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