this just has baby written all over it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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